Fake wines? In China? Surely you jest…

My colleague, a nice enough British guy — yeah I know, sounds weird… — organised recently a wine tasting for some bwankers. One of the attendants, who was more on the geek[ier] side of bwanking — one of those guys assessing risk, or doing research, or whatnot — was relating his last wine drinking experience in China with clients. He said the client had bought a bottle of Lafite, and it was quite nice. My colleague was properly impressed — farkers have way too much money is how he put it, if memory serves. Or something to that effect. So he poked a bit around, trying to see which vintage, and maybe whether it was the first label (real hard $$$) or the second label, Carruades de Lafite (much cheaper, but still potentially major wallet damage).

So the geek says, oh no, not the first label, too expensive I guess, the lower brand of Lafite. It takes a lot of self-control not to bitch-slap silly an overpaid gweek who can’t even get his terminology straight. It’s not brand, stupid, it’s label. Slap slap slap slap. I know my colleague, who has weightlifter’s shoulders, could have done some serious damage to the furry-toothed geek. But he’s in the biz for the money, and he will let nothing go between his lust for fellow humans’ wallets and said wallets. Oh, you mean Carrooahdz? [/me sighs… It’s Carruades, mate. Whatever. Go on.] The bweek whips out his iPhone 9GSX, and says, hang on, I’ll show you the photo. I’m not good with foreign names! Matey, you’re well on your way to A/ the morgue, and B/ USA citizenship. Now comes the time to strap on diapers, cuz I’m gonna piss my pants again, and Toto the bweek will probably shit his pants when he learns the truth.

There we go, Marquis de Lafite! he exclaims. Sssshhh, little man, don’t yell things like that. They’ll just make you sound like a bigger asswipe than you probably are. There is no such thing as Marquis de Lafite. Especially when Lafite is spelled Laflte. Yeah, that’s LAFLTE. Woopsies. In the words of John McClane, Yippee Ki Yay motherfucker! Helloooo there? Anybody home? So my colleague and I went on the Net to find if this was a joke or what. Oh no… It’s very real, and a real-life scam. One has to love China… Look at this page:

BARONS DE ROTHSCHILD集團旗下品牌??!!

請 問大家有無聽過有以下呢d酒呀??
因為最近有朋友拎左個代理….
係BARONS DE ROTHSCHILD集團旗下既品牌
佢本身都有開wine shop既…
佢而家叫我同佢一齊開多間…
不過我好小飲紅酒…所以咩都唔識…
希望大家可以幫下我….

LORLAFLTE(750ml)–金拉菲波爾多A.O.C級干红葡萄酒
ARGNTE LAFLTE(750ML)–银拉菲波爾多A.O.C級干红葡萄酒
PALAIS DE LAFLTE(750ML)–拉菲宫廷波爾多A.O.C級干红葡萄酒
DUKE DE LAFLTE(750ml)–拉菲公爵波爾多A.O.C級干红葡萄酒
COMTE DE LAFLTE(750ml)–拉菲伯爵波爾多A.O.C級干红葡萄酒
MARQUIS DE LAFLTE(750ml)–拉菲侯爵波爾多A.O.C級干红葡萄酒
PRINCE DE LAFLTE(750ml)–拉菲王子波爾多A.O.C級干红葡萄酒

On this forum a user is asking whether the following wines are lower “brands” from DBR. Follows a list of wines — where the “original” name is a, pardon my Bordelais, a cluster-fuck of consonants and vowels thrown by a 6 year-old from a stolen, fake, made-in-China Scrabble set. The Chinese names, on the other hand, are as close as possible to the “real” Chinese names of Lafite — eg 金拉菲波爾多A.O.C級干红葡萄酒 / Or [Gold] 金 Lafite 拉菲 [oops, sorry, Laflte] 波爾多A.O.C級干红葡萄酒 Bordeaux AOC Dry Red Wine. Riiiight. Dry Red — you mean as opposed to Sweet Red? Ah yes, the famous 12g/L reds sold by not so scrupulous  in China only… 🙂 yeah yeah yeah yeah, very famous.

This is the culprit, as found on one of the web sites hawking the shit. I wasn’t able to find a single price, on the “original” web site or sites like SPZS. According to the bweek, it was at least a thousand RMB. Which, of course, is way too expensive for what’s probably a VdP Languedoc in a fancy packaging, and way too cheap for a Lafite. Sorry, LAFLTE. Which my colleague and I ended up pronouncing “LA FLOTE” (water, in French).

The packaging is indeed fancy. We found a few piccies where the label was legible; it is very well made (Dongguan, national capital of printing, I suspect you made these), complete with the farmer happily tilling the earth, and the crown + arrows DBR logo. Woop dee dah. I sincerely, sincerely hope these labels were printed in Dongguan and not in France. As for the black souls who sold the wine to these Chinese bandits, both groups should be dragged in a Chinese court and handed the death penalty. Seriously. The damage they do both to the image of the Bordeaux wine biz and China…

UPDATE: found this web site explaining the scam, in Chinese…

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